On my state in life

I have come to the realization that I could keep going with life as it is right now and be just fine. I have a decent job, I get to save a lot living with my parents. I get to play games and read and have most basic needs fulfilled…

Most days I wake up, pray, shower, walk to the bus, play/read/listen/watch during my commute, get to work, work, have brunch, work, have lunch, work, go back home, play/read/listen during my commute, get off the bus, buy a snack, walk home, get on my computer, scroll, play/read/listen/watch, have dinner, play/read/listen/watch, then sleep.

On Fridays I may go out with my parents, walk around the mall, have some food. On Saturdays I may go cycling, do plenty of house chores, go to my church’s youth group or activity. On Sunday I dress up, go to church, read, sing, listen, and interact the most with friends and community. The routine however, is mostly the same.

My bedroom somehow ends up a mess every week, and I keep forgetting to bring my lunchbox to work, and I am yet to go to the gym again, and I only go cycling once a week or less, and I feel my weight going up after every snack I buy, and I keep doing so anyway.

The other day my mom told me how I always seem to do the same thing after returning from work, getting to my bedroom, using my computer or playing on my Switch or something. She glanced at my backpack and saw three crumpled bags of snacks on a side pocket. My room was a mess as already stated—the stationary bike was a clothes rack.

Sometimes I feel like she is just nitpicking, I fulfill everything I’m asked to do, I do try to clean up after all, and the rest of the house has clean floors and dishes done.

However my siblings when visiting, did notice the same. I’d get grumpy whenever they or my parents entered my room because I would be expecting to get lectured or distracted or asked to do something. Perhaps that’s a valid response but at the same time, an assumption that would end up with both sides annoyed.

I should do more to improve on my fitness, I should stop buying snacks daily. I should be less forgetful. It’s all small stuff to me. But all together it may be a little bit of a bad sign.

I am genuinely happy though, I enjoy myself in everything I do. I love the games I play¹ and the books I read, I am entertained by the movies I watch, I love going to church and being in community with others on Sundays and whatever extra times that happens. But I tend to let little things build up, and once it gets messy I’m too lazy to change it.

All my mom truly asks for me is to take care of myself and take some steps outside of my comfort zone. She wants me to learn something new and broaden my horizons. Maybe continue going to the gym or at least exercise at home.

At the same time, she doesn’t know of the great friends I’ve made on the internet. She sees a computer and a keyboard and she misses the connections and the friendships and the learning I’ve already done in the digital realm. She doesn’t understand what a fiction book or a videogame are capable of. It seems like a waste of time.

Then I look at my parents doing the equivalent too, I guess, watching k-dramas, scrolling on Facebook, watching Instagram reels in full volume. And I guess we all have our own things that some may call “distractions.” But after all, if she sees a recipe she likes, she does it, if she finds some eating habit for us, she applies it. Wether it works or not it’s different, but she acts on things, and that’s something I lack sometimes.

Basically, I guess I am too comfortable right now, and yes I can get a bit grumpy when my parents push me to do something a little different than the norm—like that one time I was pushed into a date out of nowhere even when I had a great time by the end—and I guess part of that could be interpreted as some sort of psychological issue I am trying to deal with. But I don’t know, I just feel normal!

But then I look at all the cool projects some people have going on, like my online friends building whole communities and platforms, or adding actually new stuff to their websites, or sending letters to each other, and organizing and going to conventions or something.

Maybe I should try and go offline for a while again, live without the internet and stick to the basics once more. Find new things to do instead, be more present in real life and more visible for my parents as well.

Perhaps I am giving way too much weight to her words and it’s simply her perspective and I don’t really have much to worry about.

But I want to do better. I don’t mind the cycle and the comfort, but I want to find a better balance. There really is no reason for my room to be a mess, and for the amount of snacks I buy, and I am repeating myself at this point. How am I supposed to have a family and build up my future further if I keep going back to my bedroom and goofing around?

In a couple weeks I’ll do something kinda drastic. I’ll take a trip to visit my sister and we’ll go to a concert. A different city, staying with some friends and all, but with a lot of free time on my hand. Will I do something with it? Catch up with people in the area, go sight-seeing some touristy places, or what? I hope the change in scenery and routine helps a bit.

Advice is appreciated, though remember these are incomplete thoughts. It’s a slice of my life at the moment. I love my parents, I love where I am, I am worried about the future, and about change. However all things considered, I trust that things will work together for good.

This is day 53 of #100DaysToOffload